I'm failing

I'm failing at just being a human right now.  My major depressive disorder,  ptsd and anxiety has been controlling me for months.  I can't function.  I've not only thought about ending my life.  I've considered and discussed HOW.

Who am I?

Trying to keep this thing more updated

I KNOW I am failing at keeping this up to date but I want to at least give it a good honest effort!

Another month down in Toronto... project is in crunch time.  We are expecting a "go live" for Aug 10... I can't see it happening.  Systems integration is still just not there.  3 weeks to figure that out.... not to mention training.

Anyway, on to my weight.  While I've been in TO I've gained a few pounds and I'm totally not happy about it. I know that is from (very) long hours, eating bad/not at all and little to no movement.

I'm making strides to change at least some of the things I can.

I signed up for boot camp every Saturday morning.  That is NOT enough.  I'm trying to get myself out and walking several times a week at least so I can burn calories.

In addition I need to get back to basics.  Too many late night fatty/high calorie foods are working their way into my diet when they shouldn't be so I'm cutting back on eating late, eating out and eating crap :)  I never feel good when I have carbs so this SHOULD be an easier transition for me.

Protein first!!


Onward and downward!

Ok another holy moly.. bigger than the last!

It's been TWO YEARS since I last posted!!!

What is new?

Well I've been living temporarily in Toronto for a few months now while my loving husband holds down the fort in Vancouver.

Last year, we welcomed my step son, his girlfriend and my mother in law to our home.  Unfortunately, my MIL passed in August of 2014 at 80 years and we still miss her distinctive laugh throughout the house.

My stepson and his gf have enjoyed a number of latitudes that my husband and I continually butt heads on and as of June of this year, they will be moving on and moving out together to Alberta.

I've been living 100% in Toronto since late February as a result of a secondment I was chosen for out of many across the country.  Some days, Im completely unclear why I got the job but I presevere regardless and try to feel confident in what I am trying to bring to the overall project regardless the ambition.  Thankfully my company puts me up in an (albeit small) apartment here while in TO and flies my hubby to see me once a month.  It is definitely strange living single-ish yet not.  I miss my home and hubby and puppy a lot.

I maintain my weight loss easily around the upper 140's which I prefer although I do see more need in exercise as I get further out from my surgery as my body is weak and undefined. I still find sugar is not an issue for me and I still do not use any carbonation 4 years in.  When I eat too fast/too much which RARELY happens, I still feel the unfortunate side effects of that.

I've still been wanting to do the surgery although I feel less driven to do it in recent years.  I still think it is something that I want, but the pure NEED to do it is much lesser. I am happier within my skin than I have ever been.  I want to spend my money and life on experiences more than things, and I put this surgery within the "things" category.

There have been a number of life events that have shaped this decision for me but nonetheless, I realize that I am but a shell of my experiences and I want to live all of them regardless of the package.

Be blessed
Cheryl

Wowee its been months!

So things haven't changed a ton since I last posted other than I'm more aware of how much I'm drinking and I'm doing alot better with that.  I'm replacing alot more wine with water these days  :)

I guess the true test that things are going well and uneventful is that I didn't even post when I hit my 2 year anniversary!  I am still maintaining, still dreaming of body reconstruction, and lastly still critical of my body.

This surgery will not change your perception of your body no matter how much you think it will.  Sure, you might not see the same number on the scale as you did months/years post-WLS but you WILL still see the same thing in the mirror.  Make no mistake about that.  You will go from seeing fat, to seeing the skin left over from your fat.  It affects your body image.  It affects your size in clothing.  It affects what you *think* you can do because you feel as big as you did pre-op.

I really want any pre/newly post/post WLS patients to read over and over that paragraph above.  You may think "it won't happen to me!"  I guarantee, it will.  Maybe not in the first year when you only have wins but outside that... when you stop losing and move to maintenance... be aware this WILL happen at some point!  I didn't think so myself, but it did as did many others.

Over 2 years out from my sleeve... I still do not drink any carbonation and I still try to keep protein as my first choice.  I don't always make the best choices but I do enough of the time to continue to maintain my weight loss.

Alcohol

So ... things from 2012 have not resolved.  I'm a teensy bit embarrassed by what I'm doing and allowing but, not enough to make any changes because frankly we're both enabling each other and understand that its what we need right now to cope...

For Hubby: smoking.
For Me: wine.

Hubby smokes ALOT.  I have wine ALOT. We both hate each other's addictions but can't stop each other from doing what we're addicted to. :(

I have 2-5 glasses a night depending on the night.  I like the taste so much that suddenly I get to the point where I realize that I've had too much.

The last couple of weeks I've had enough (likely too much) and found myself wondering what happened the night before.  I've been having a few conversations lately where I do not remember what I said or what happened.  Unfortunately my dumbass hubby chooses to make fun of me when I don't remember instead of talking to me honestly or with concern. Turns out we've had alot of very good conversations that I do not remember at all... literally.  Apparently last night, we talked about not only an automatic reload of my starbucks account but also having my plastics early Nov.  I remember none of it.

It makes me a little scared to be honest.  That I am THAT affected by the few glasses of wine that I remember nothing scares me... My mom DIED at 39 as an alcoholic (I'm 36)... that behaviour scares me. Have I graduated to blacking out when I drink?


*cry*

Before and after WLS

Just wanted to post a piccie :)

Before taken on surgery day April 27, 2011
After(current) taken at my Christmas party Dec 15, 2012

2 months no posts! Wow, well guess what that means blog-world?

NOTHING is happening! That, in my case is a good thing I guess! I'm still blissfully happy I made my decision to go ahead with my surgery and coming up to a year in maintenance now. I hover between 135-138 (even when Aunt Flo is visiting!) and I'm perfectly happy here. I wear a size small-med shirts and size 4-6 pants.

Well one thing I guess has happened.... I decided finally today that I'm waiting until early 2014 to get my PS now. *sigh*

This year has too many things happening and I need to take more time to save for this and get my head in the right place to have a good solid recovery and be able to take the time off I will need from work in my position (management). I'm reading constantly online and learning as much as I possibly can. In the coming months I'm going to start a notepad of all the things I want to make sure I know or need to know based on the experiences of the group here so that I can be as prepared as I possibly can be.

I'm bummed though. I was really thinking I'd be among the Plastics veterans by this summer but its just not in the cards for me this year and that's ok but I'm disappointed anyway. Recovery worries me alot especially after reading the recent problems some have been having on one of the boards I frequent. Although I take alot of that with a grain of salt as I know everyone is going to have a different experience anyway. I know my VSG was pretty much a breeze (except for the allergic reaction to the bandages/tape) and I was back at work 6 days post op... others needed a month or more to feel ok to go back.

Living on the coast in BC has been wonderful. It's lovely here and so different from living on the Prairies.  Although, it's very weird to see so much green in the middle of winter where I'm used to seeing feet of snow and blisteringly cold temperatures.  It does rain, yes... but not nearly as depressing as they've made it out to be.  The sun peeks through every few days for a few hours, it rains on and off, sometimes hard, sometimes not, sometimes none.  I wear a light fall waterproof coat, not a woollen cap, gloves boots, scarf, massive winter coat.  I don't have to breathe into my scarf to breath warm air anymore.  My asthmatic lungs thank me for this move. :)

Nowadays I'm sure noone even reads my blog since I've not updated in so long but those that remember and peek in .... HI! Thanks for coming by!  I'll try to do a better job of posting at least monthly :)

Why no liquids within an hr of eating?

Think of your stomach like the drain in your sink.
If you drink water, it goes through fast and quick.
If you eat food it sits (which is what makes you feel full) until it digests... slowly.
If you drink WHILE (or while there is/or shortly thereafter WILL be) you eat, it flushes the food that is making you feel full through your system quickly so you don't feel satiety as long.
This does 2 things... it empties your stomach making that feeling of fullness not last as long AND it pushes the food through your entire system too fast which means you don't get the nutrients you need from the food you just ate.



And, if you don't believe ME... watch it with him!

I think everyone. I mean EVERYONE... pre/non/post sleeve should really adopt this practise of not eating while/before/during eating.  It helps us not eat as much... which of course is what food establishments WANT us to do!

A dark truth about diet soda

I found this online yesterday ... It's specifically about diet sodas but we all know full sugar is terrible for us so...

Taken from Lumosity.com

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Diet Sodas: Changing Your Brain And Your Waistline- from a study out of the University of California San Diego

Diet sodas may not be helping you lose weight—in fact, these and other artificially sweetened foods may sabotage your diet by confusing and rewiring your brain’s reward centers. This study from the journal Physiology & Behavior is yet another example of how lifestyle choices can alter your brain—negatively or positively.

Scanning diet soda drinkers' brains
The University of San Diego study followed 24 young adults: half the group drank at least one serving of diet soda every day, while the other half avoided the artificially sweetened drinks. These adults were then hooked up to brain scanning equipment while scientists fed them water alternately flavored by natural and artificial sweeteners—then the researchers sat back and watched what unfolded in the brain.

The results, according to University of California San Diego researchers Green and Murphy, were pronounced: [Diet soda drinkers] who consumed a greater number of diet sodas had reduced caudate head activation. These findings may provide some insight into the link between diet soda consumption and obesity.”

Artificial sweeteners confuse reward
A little bit of background: the caudate head is a part of the brain involved in signaling reward and controlling food intake—and its decreased activity in the brains of diet soda drinkers has substantial implications.
Researchers posit that consumption of diet soda had confused the reward loops normally processed by the caudate head: because sweetness was no longer a reliable indicator of incoming calories, the brain had trained itself to respond less in the face of sweet flavors. Unreliable sweet tastes threw off normal predictions about calories and energy in the changed brains of diet soda drinkers—making it more likely that these people would consume additional calories later in the day.

Small choices can affect your brain
This newest study is pretty preliminary; it’s difficult to say how drastically diet sodas can affect bigger questions of lifestyle and health based on such short-term brain activation patterns. Still, this recent investigation provides an interesting reflection on how choices and actions made in everyday life can powerfully influence the way your brain is wired—in other words, the concept of neuroplasticity.
We can’t always foresee the unintended negative responses our brain makes—who would have thought diet coke might do quite the opposite of what its name suggests?—but there are positive ways to harness your brain’s ability to change.
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Interesting!

What's your true body size?

This site showed me that while I always thought I was hourglass... turns out I'm triangle!!
http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/what-size-are-you-really-the-truth-behind-vanity-sizing-2532831.html
(which was provided by Munchkin at gastricsleeve.com)