Wowee its been months!

So things haven't changed a ton since I last posted other than I'm more aware of how much I'm drinking and I'm doing alot better with that.  I'm replacing alot more wine with water these days  :)

I guess the true test that things are going well and uneventful is that I didn't even post when I hit my 2 year anniversary!  I am still maintaining, still dreaming of body reconstruction, and lastly still critical of my body.

This surgery will not change your perception of your body no matter how much you think it will.  Sure, you might not see the same number on the scale as you did months/years post-WLS but you WILL still see the same thing in the mirror.  Make no mistake about that.  You will go from seeing fat, to seeing the skin left over from your fat.  It affects your body image.  It affects your size in clothing.  It affects what you *think* you can do because you feel as big as you did pre-op.

I really want any pre/newly post/post WLS patients to read over and over that paragraph above.  You may think "it won't happen to me!"  I guarantee, it will.  Maybe not in the first year when you only have wins but outside that... when you stop losing and move to maintenance... be aware this WILL happen at some point!  I didn't think so myself, but it did as did many others.

Over 2 years out from my sleeve... I still do not drink any carbonation and I still try to keep protein as my first choice.  I don't always make the best choices but I do enough of the time to continue to maintain my weight loss.

Alcohol

So ... things from 2012 have not resolved.  I'm a teensy bit embarrassed by what I'm doing and allowing but, not enough to make any changes because frankly we're both enabling each other and understand that its what we need right now to cope...

For Hubby: smoking.
For Me: wine.

Hubby smokes ALOT.  I have wine ALOT. We both hate each other's addictions but can't stop each other from doing what we're addicted to. :(

I have 2-5 glasses a night depending on the night.  I like the taste so much that suddenly I get to the point where I realize that I've had too much.

The last couple of weeks I've had enough (likely too much) and found myself wondering what happened the night before.  I've been having a few conversations lately where I do not remember what I said or what happened.  Unfortunately my dumbass hubby chooses to make fun of me when I don't remember instead of talking to me honestly or with concern. Turns out we've had alot of very good conversations that I do not remember at all... literally.  Apparently last night, we talked about not only an automatic reload of my starbucks account but also having my plastics early Nov.  I remember none of it.

It makes me a little scared to be honest.  That I am THAT affected by the few glasses of wine that I remember nothing scares me... My mom DIED at 39 as an alcoholic (I'm 36)... that behaviour scares me. Have I graduated to blacking out when I drink?


*cry*

Confessions...

The last 2 month-ish has been hard. VERY hard. I've been having way too much wine. Way too often.

I'm fully aware that post-WLS transfer addictions are a serious problem.  I KNOW that I should be careful that I'm not among that statistic but right now, its what I've been using to cope with my stress ... moving to a new province away from what I know and taking a new job with added responsibility....  Wrong or right, its what's working for me right now to deal.  Stress has played a HUGE part in this and the method that I've chosen to do to deal with it.  Hubby and I have even enabled each other completely in this.  He's smoking, I'm drinking.  We're both fully aware of what we're doing and how much we dislike each other's choices but are willing to overlook them right now

We both know that this is something that we need to change but we've chosen to accept it for what it is and to try not to judge the other person.  We have yet to pick a "quit date" but it will be likely in the next week or so.

I had some red wine on the weekend.  It took me like 2 hours to drink 1 single glass.  It burned a fair bit going down and I felt pretty woozy on just the single glass.  Didn't expect that but I liked the flavour even if i did get a bit of heartburn from it!

things and thoughts

My monthly visitor hasn't been too awful at all.  I actually forgot to change my Divacup this morning before work and managed a clean spill free change in the ladies room stall.  It seems that my flow is lighter.  Not sure if that's from the surgery or just lucky for me *this* month but I'll take it.  I'm definitely going to monitor it for next month and see if its the same.  Cramps haven't been too bad this month either. Hubby checked the scale for me yesterday because there's no way in hell I want to weigh myself when I feel like a manatee.... he compared it to the pre-period number and apparently I only gained 1 lb this month.  This is major.  I usually gain 5-8 lbs in bloat and feel super gross.  This month I honestly don't.

Weird how things change post-op.  I have a bag of chips (twists) and a dark chocolate (90%) bar in my desk.  I have zero interest in eating either of them. They've been there for a couple of weeks now. Pre-op, they wouldn't have made it INTO my desk at all.  They would have been scarfed pretty quickly right after I got them.

I've graduated back to coffee now post-op.  I can only get in about a 1/3 of a cup before I'm jittery.  I don't even fill my mug up half way.  People look at me strange and ask if the decanter is empty.... nope!  I just don't want that much coffee!  Pre-op, I was ADDICTED to the Sugar Free Rockstar Energy drinks.  I had 1 every single morning on my commute to work.  I haven't had one sincea few days before surgery.  I don't even crave it. 

I'd say the loss of food/sweets/etc craving is probably the biggest overall thing I've noticed.  I mean of course I know that I can only eat a few tablespoons of food now but really... its the cravings that have me surprised.  That there aren't any.  Even alcohol.  Pre-op, my liver was well exercised.  Now, while I'd *like* a glass of wine here and there, I have really no interest in bothering with the possible weight gain/dehydration/quick effects... so I don't.

Last night we went to a going away party for my personal trainer.  She's off to Alaska to run a gym up there.  She's been kicking my ass for 2 years and I'll miss her as we became friends even through those grueling 1 hour sessions 3x/wk.  They had all sorts of food, alcohol and the like at the party.  As I hadn't had dinner yet, I had 3 thinly sliced pieces of smoked salmon, 1/2 pc cheese, 1 multi grain cracker, 1/2 pickled string bean and about 6 nuts.  I was stuffed.  I was pleased with myself for my good food choices.  While I would have totally been all over the BBQ later that appeared, (hotdogs, bbq salmon and chicken) I honestly didn't want it because I was satisfied with my meal and feeling good.  Everyone else around me was eating and drinking it up and I was absolutely fine to sit there and just enjoy the company of the people instead of hovering over the food table grazing all night.  What a change!

accountability

Over the weekend while we were camping I had some potato chips and I had 3 alcoholic drinks (clamato and vodka).  My guts weren't happy and I regret it immensely.  I spent a fair bit of time in the bathroom when I got home last night as a result. Sleevie was NOT happy.

I gained 1.5 pounds.  Back to 201.  I regret it and I'm back to clean eating today.  I know its not actual fat gained because I still wasn't eating near the calories I would need to in order to gain REAL weight but its disheartening anyway as I was hoping to see a lower number when I got home.

Lesson learned.  Stick to proteins first, if there's room, veggies.  Avoid carby items as they go down way too easily ... and that includes alcohol.