A cathartic day.
I told my brother. And I cried.
When I met my husband I told him one drunken night...."the most important person in my life is my brother"....And he is (was, until I was married of course). My brother and I grew up in a very difficult household and as a result, we have a unique connection. I was afraid and frankly very nervous to tell him I was doing this. I was afraid of his reaction. Afraid he'd be negative and have nothing positive to say about my decision. Afraid he'd try to talk me out of it
I was surprised. Muchly, Thankfully. My brother simply said that if it makes me happy, then I should do it. He was concerned about the Mexico connection but I think (hope?) that after hubby and I both explained our comfort in this doctor and the location, he felt ok about it.
I feel so much more comfort today about this decision than I did yesterday. I feel happy, much more at ease and hopeful of my future. I've also invited him to follow this experience along with me. I hope he does.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Last supper mentality
Yep, I've indulged. I've done exactly what I know I'm NOT supposed to do and eaten ice cream, drank alcohol, eaten fatty foods. And I've enjoyed every single bit of it. I'm not trying to gain weight but it is possible that it may happen. I know that the last supper/food funerals are a bad idea, it means that mentally I am treating this as a diet, not a lifestyle. Inside, I know that I'll be able to eat these types of things again someday, in moderation, and even better, I won't regain the weight when I do make these choices on occasion. I'm not sure really why I feel like I feel the need to indulge but I'm not beating myself up about it.
Tonight is my official "last supper". Easter dinner. Thankfully hubby knows how to cook good tasting foods that are healthy. We're having spaghetti squash, ground turkey, salads, mashed potatoes... etc. Healthy food, cooked in healthful ways. Are we having dessert? Yep.. but a dessert that isn't going to kill for calories... fresh strawberries, light whipping cream with strawberry shortcake.
Tomorrow will be my new fresh start. The beginning. Liquid diet only until surgery on Wednesday.
Hold me...
Tonight is my official "last supper". Easter dinner. Thankfully hubby knows how to cook good tasting foods that are healthy. We're having spaghetti squash, ground turkey, salads, mashed potatoes... etc. Healthy food, cooked in healthful ways. Are we having dessert? Yep.. but a dessert that isn't going to kill for calories... fresh strawberries, light whipping cream with strawberry shortcake.
Tomorrow will be my new fresh start. The beginning. Liquid diet only until surgery on Wednesday.
Hold me...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
durrrrr
tMy hubby can't keep a secret for anything. Neither can his mom.
He told his mom. Why? Only God knows. He swore her to secrecy.
Yesterday hubby gets a call from his brother who lives HALFWAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY asking why we're going to San Diego because his mom told him we were going and that "he'll have to tell you why they're going there". Well duh... of course he asked. So hubby told him about the surgery. He's very happy for me and pleased that I am doing something for myself. It's not so much that I mind him knowing its just that this was MY information to share not my mother in law to pass out little tidbits that encourage questions!
Then last night, my step son came into town to spend Easter with us. He almost let it spill with him too. Doh. Tonight his niece and nephew are coming in to spend the weekend here too... I know that I'm going to end up having to tell them but I asked hubby to keep it on the d/l until I at least tell my brother. I think my own blood family has a right to know what's going on with me before extended/married into family.
As it is, we just spent a week in Punta Cana with friends and all of them already know. I feel like this information is just blowing up around me and I don't have control over it. I know I shouldn't care how people think about what I'm doing here but frankly, I do.
meh
He told his mom. Why? Only God knows. He swore her to secrecy.
Yesterday hubby gets a call from his brother who lives HALFWAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY asking why we're going to San Diego because his mom told him we were going and that "he'll have to tell you why they're going there". Well duh... of course he asked. So hubby told him about the surgery. He's very happy for me and pleased that I am doing something for myself. It's not so much that I mind him knowing its just that this was MY information to share not my mother in law to pass out little tidbits that encourage questions!
Then last night, my step son came into town to spend Easter with us. He almost let it spill with him too. Doh. Tonight his niece and nephew are coming in to spend the weekend here too... I know that I'm going to end up having to tell them but I asked hubby to keep it on the d/l until I at least tell my brother. I think my own blood family has a right to know what's going on with me before extended/married into family.
As it is, we just spent a week in Punta Cana with friends and all of them already know. I feel like this information is just blowing up around me and I don't have control over it. I know I shouldn't care how people think about what I'm doing here but frankly, I do.
meh
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Telling people... am I in denial?
I've told 3 people that I'm doing this. None of them are related to me... with of course the exception of my husband who is coming along with me.
I told my trainer because she needed to know why I wouldn't be letting her kick my ass for the next 2 months. I told my best friend and I told a woman at work because I trust her and she's trusting me too with something.
I don't want to tell my family. I don't want to tell my boss. I don't want to tell my co-workers... even the ones that could really benefit from this procedure. Frankly I'm afraid they'll look at me like I took the easy way out, or that I didn't really need it because I'm not "that" big.
I know I'm confident in this decision and I know that I did months of research into my doctor and into the procedure itself. I know what a huge decision this is and how its a forever choice. There are a few people that will judge me. I know this.
There are a few that have seen me lose weight in the past. How did I do it? Insane amount of exercise and food deprivation. Why did I not keep it off? Who the fuck knows... its as though all I have to do is think about a food not on my diet and I gain the weight back. Did I continue to exercise like a maniac? No. That's not long term sustainable anyway. But I also didn't eat like a person that hasn't seen food in a month either. There is something wrong with how my body works. losing and regaining the same weight over and over for 15 years, isn't good for me and its destroyed my metabolism. This surgery will allow me to eat small amount of healthy food, exercise in moderation and lose weight. More importantly, it will hinder my body's built in broken famine mechanism that allows me to regain even on a very healthy 1400 calories/day diet.
THAT, I'm looking forward to. And when I start to tell people, that is what I'm focusing on. My new ability to keep the weight off. And if they are negative? Screw em. It's my body and my health I'm fighting for here.... not theirs. :)
I told my trainer because she needed to know why I wouldn't be letting her kick my ass for the next 2 months. I told my best friend and I told a woman at work because I trust her and she's trusting me too with something.
I don't want to tell my family. I don't want to tell my boss. I don't want to tell my co-workers... even the ones that could really benefit from this procedure. Frankly I'm afraid they'll look at me like I took the easy way out, or that I didn't really need it because I'm not "that" big.
I know I'm confident in this decision and I know that I did months of research into my doctor and into the procedure itself. I know what a huge decision this is and how its a forever choice. There are a few people that will judge me. I know this.
There are a few that have seen me lose weight in the past. How did I do it? Insane amount of exercise and food deprivation. Why did I not keep it off? Who the fuck knows... its as though all I have to do is think about a food not on my diet and I gain the weight back. Did I continue to exercise like a maniac? No. That's not long term sustainable anyway. But I also didn't eat like a person that hasn't seen food in a month either. There is something wrong with how my body works. losing and regaining the same weight over and over for 15 years, isn't good for me and its destroyed my metabolism. This surgery will allow me to eat small amount of healthy food, exercise in moderation and lose weight. More importantly, it will hinder my body's built in broken famine mechanism that allows me to regain even on a very healthy 1400 calories/day diet.
THAT, I'm looking forward to. And when I start to tell people, that is what I'm focusing on. My new ability to keep the weight off. And if they are negative? Screw em. It's my body and my health I'm fighting for here.... not theirs. :)
Monday, April 18, 2011
Counting down and trip deets..
1 week away.
Trying to get all my last minute information handled. Hubby thinks we should bring 2 suitcases. I think he's insane. We're going to be gone for 5 days and I'll be in jammies/yoga pants pretty much the entire time. No reason we need 2 suitcases! Besides, I'll be in a wheelchair the entire trip back so he would have to push me AND transport luggage. That would suck donkeyballs.
I start liquids/softs diet on Easter Sunday which should be great fun. After the surgery, we're still trying to get a handle on what kind of things I can eat. There's alot of differing opinions out there that's for sure. I'm going to be strict so that I can get the max use of the benefits of the "golden shot" of the VSG.
We fly in to San Diego on Apr 26 and we're staying at a Hilton for the night. Then the next morning, we head back to the airport for our medical transport to Tijuana, MX. They will bring us to the Jerusalem Hospital there and I will have my tests all done and the surgery same day.
Standard hospital stay is 2 days and thankfully Hubby will get to stay there with me. After 2 days, they release me to (normally) the recovery house. We've chosen instead to stay in a nearby hotel (Hotel Ticuan) for a little measure of privacy. Also there was comments that if the house was full, Hubby could end up sleeping on a couch or sent to a hotel by himself. We didn't want that chance so we're paying for the 2 nights at the hotel. Apparently its VERY nice and we've rented the best room in the place (a suite) for only $80! They advised me that they will leave my IV port in and when I need to see the nurse for pain meds, tests, etc, they will come and pick me up. They'll bring me back to the hospital to do it and then bring me back to the hotel.
On Saturday April 30, I will have the swallow test to check for leaks. I was already advised to ask for a red popsicle instead of trying to drink the nasty barium solution. I have a hell of a gag reflex and there's no way I'd be able to get that crap in me. Once I pass that, I'm released and they bring us back to San Diego where we're overnighting again at the Hilton. We fly home (with a layover in Seattle) on May 1. Unfortunately we couldn't find a better flight so we're coming home at something like 11pm. I am going to see how I feel for work on the Monday. My intention is to go to work but I'll see how it goes.
My employer does not know I am getting this surgery. They only know that I'm having surgery. My boss asked me if the surgery was "necessary". Yes. Yes it is. I will die from obesity related illnesses and I'll be off work more for them than this time off for surgery. I have a pretty technical job. I hope that I won't have any issues with concentration or tiredness afterwards that would affect my job.
Trying to get all my last minute information handled. Hubby thinks we should bring 2 suitcases. I think he's insane. We're going to be gone for 5 days and I'll be in jammies/yoga pants pretty much the entire time. No reason we need 2 suitcases! Besides, I'll be in a wheelchair the entire trip back so he would have to push me AND transport luggage. That would suck donkeyballs.
I start liquids/softs diet on Easter Sunday which should be great fun. After the surgery, we're still trying to get a handle on what kind of things I can eat. There's alot of differing opinions out there that's for sure. I'm going to be strict so that I can get the max use of the benefits of the "golden shot" of the VSG.
We fly in to San Diego on Apr 26 and we're staying at a Hilton for the night. Then the next morning, we head back to the airport for our medical transport to Tijuana, MX. They will bring us to the Jerusalem Hospital there and I will have my tests all done and the surgery same day.
Standard hospital stay is 2 days and thankfully Hubby will get to stay there with me. After 2 days, they release me to (normally) the recovery house. We've chosen instead to stay in a nearby hotel (Hotel Ticuan) for a little measure of privacy. Also there was comments that if the house was full, Hubby could end up sleeping on a couch or sent to a hotel by himself. We didn't want that chance so we're paying for the 2 nights at the hotel. Apparently its VERY nice and we've rented the best room in the place (a suite) for only $80! They advised me that they will leave my IV port in and when I need to see the nurse for pain meds, tests, etc, they will come and pick me up. They'll bring me back to the hospital to do it and then bring me back to the hotel.
On Saturday April 30, I will have the swallow test to check for leaks. I was already advised to ask for a red popsicle instead of trying to drink the nasty barium solution. I have a hell of a gag reflex and there's no way I'd be able to get that crap in me. Once I pass that, I'm released and they bring us back to San Diego where we're overnighting again at the Hilton. We fly home (with a layover in Seattle) on May 1. Unfortunately we couldn't find a better flight so we're coming home at something like 11pm. I am going to see how I feel for work on the Monday. My intention is to go to work but I'll see how it goes.
My employer does not know I am getting this surgery. They only know that I'm having surgery. My boss asked me if the surgery was "necessary". Yes. Yes it is. I will die from obesity related illnesses and I'll be off work more for them than this time off for surgery. I have a pretty technical job. I hope that I won't have any issues with concentration or tiredness afterwards that would affect my job.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Goal clothes shopping
I was told that I should try and find a "goal outfit". Something to look forward to wearing.
I've tried to do it a few times. I can't bring myself to buy anything. I've been through so many diets in the past. So many FAILED diets. I'm afraid to buy something that I will fail to fit into. I know this surgery will make losing weight easy but for some reason I feel like I should make my goal weight "easy" to reach... and my goal outfit, less difficult to attain.
It's something that I just need to get over I know but its not easy. The diet mentality, the fear/expectation of failure yet one more time.... its hard to get over. I tried to talk to hubby about it a little today but he doesn't understand. I know he wants to but he's been slim/normal weight his entire life. He just doesn't know what its like to be on diets for 1/2 your life.
I've tried to do it a few times. I can't bring myself to buy anything. I've been through so many diets in the past. So many FAILED diets. I'm afraid to buy something that I will fail to fit into. I know this surgery will make losing weight easy but for some reason I feel like I should make my goal weight "easy" to reach... and my goal outfit, less difficult to attain.
It's something that I just need to get over I know but its not easy. The diet mentality, the fear/expectation of failure yet one more time.... its hard to get over. I tried to talk to hubby about it a little today but he doesn't understand. I know he wants to but he's been slim/normal weight his entire life. He just doesn't know what its like to be on diets for 1/2 your life.
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