A serious moment and remembrance

April 6, 1992  I lost my younger brother (middle child) to suicide.  He ended his life over the Easter long weekend and I was the one that found him the morning we were all going back to school.

I was 15 years old and he was 13.

It was the worst day of my life and I know that with certainty.  I honestly cannot imagine something worse than that day. I lost my mom only a few years later where I, as the eldest, had to make the decision to turn off machines and chose to be there when it happened... that wasn't a good choice, it was equally traumatizing and will remain in my memory almost as clearly as the day we lost my brother.

Today is Shawn Michael Massey's 20th year without his family that loved him deeply.  I decided to post this because I felt the strong need to remember him this year since I'll be leaving Alberta and will have little chance to visit his grave site after this anniversary.  Also I posted it to remember the pain I felt and have continued to feel in the 20 years since.  I've had nightmares of that day for the last 20 years and I wish I could let them go.  It's very hard not to remember things etched in your memory with dynamite.  Paint or wallpaper... or denial.... they're all easier to remove.

To my little brother that would be 33 years old today if he had still been here.  I love you.  I always will.  Take care of mom.

I don't normally post stuff quite so intimate, private or personal but this is important and I want it to be logged on the internet for all time because my family is my family for all time.  I still count my brother among my siblings even though he's no longer of this earth.  He is the only thing that makes me want to believe in a higher power.  And in that higher power, I pray hard... constantly... for leniency and forgiveness in this choice he made.