Telling people... am I in denial?

I've told 3 people that I'm doing this. None of them are related to me... with of course the exception of my husband who is coming along with me.

I told my trainer because she needed to know why I wouldn't be letting her kick my ass for the next 2 months. I told my best friend and I told a woman at work because I trust her and she's trusting me too with something.

I don't want to tell my family. I don't want to tell my boss. I don't want to tell my co-workers... even the ones that could really benefit from this procedure. Frankly I'm afraid they'll look at me like I took the easy way out, or that I didn't really need it because I'm not "that" big.

I know I'm confident in this decision and I know that I did months of research into my doctor and into the procedure itself. I know what a huge decision this is and how its a forever choice.  There are a few people that will judge me.  I know this. 

There are a few that have seen me lose weight in the past.  How did I do it? Insane amount of exercise and food deprivation.  Why did I not keep it off?  Who the fuck knows... its as though all I have to do is think about a food not on my diet and I gain the weight back.  Did I continue to exercise like a maniac? No.  That's not long term sustainable anyway.  But I also didn't eat like a person that hasn't seen food in a month either.  There is something wrong with how my body works.  losing and regaining the same weight over and over for 15 years, isn't good for me and its destroyed my metabolism.  This surgery will allow me to eat small amount of healthy food, exercise in moderation and lose weight.  More importantly, it will hinder my body's built in broken famine mechanism that allows me to regain even on a very healthy 1400 calories/day diet.

THAT, I'm looking forward to.  And when I start to tell people, that is what I'm focusing on.  My new ability to keep the weight off.  And if they are negative?  Screw em.  It's my body and my health I'm fighting for here.... not theirs.  :)

Counting down and trip deets..

1 week away. 

Trying to get all my last minute information handled.  Hubby thinks we should bring 2 suitcases.  I think he's insane.  We're going to be gone for 5 days and I'll be in jammies/yoga pants pretty much the entire time.  No reason we need 2 suitcases!  Besides, I'll be in a wheelchair the entire trip back so he would have to push me AND transport luggage.  That would suck donkeyballs.

I start liquids/softs diet on Easter Sunday which should be great fun.  After the surgery, we're still trying to get a handle on what kind of things I can eat.  There's alot of differing opinions out there that's for sure.  I'm going to be strict so that I can get the max use of the benefits of the "golden shot" of the VSG.

We fly in to San Diego on Apr 26 and we're staying at a Hilton for the night.  Then the next morning, we head back to the airport for our medical transport to Tijuana, MX.  They will bring us to the Jerusalem Hospital there and I will have my tests all done and the surgery same day.

Standard hospital stay is 2 days and thankfully Hubby will get to stay there with me. After 2 days, they release me to (normally) the recovery house.  We've chosen instead to stay in a nearby hotel (Hotel Ticuan) for a little measure of privacy.  Also there was comments that if the house was full, Hubby could end up sleeping on a couch or sent to a hotel by himself.  We didn't want that chance so we're paying for the 2 nights at the hotel.  Apparently its VERY nice and we've rented the best room in the place (a suite) for only $80!  They advised me that they will leave my IV port in and when I need to see the nurse for pain meds, tests, etc, they will come and pick me up.  They'll bring me back to the hospital to do it and then bring me back to the hotel.

On Saturday April 30, I will have the swallow test to check for leaks.  I was already advised to ask for a red popsicle instead of trying to drink the nasty barium solution.  I have a hell of a gag reflex and there's no way I'd be able to get that crap in me. Once I pass that, I'm released and they bring us back to San Diego where we're overnighting again at the Hilton.  We fly home (with a layover in Seattle) on May 1.  Unfortunately we couldn't find a better flight so we're coming home at something like 11pm.  I am going to see how I feel for work on the Monday.  My intention is to go to work but I'll see how it goes.

My employer does not know I am getting this surgery.  They only know that I'm having surgery.  My boss asked me if the surgery was "necessary".  Yes. Yes it is.  I will die from obesity related illnesses and I'll be off work more for them than this time off for surgery. I have a pretty technical job.  I hope that I won't have any issues with concentration or tiredness afterwards that would affect my job.

Goal clothes shopping

I was told that I should try and find a "goal outfit".  Something to look forward to wearing.

I've tried to do it a few times.  I can't bring myself to buy anything.  I've been through so many diets in the past.  So many FAILED diets.  I'm afraid to buy something that I will fail to fit into.  I know this surgery will make losing weight easy but for some reason I feel like I should make my goal weight "easy" to reach... and my goal outfit, less difficult to attain.

It's something that I just need to get over I know but its not easy.  The diet mentality, the fear/expectation of failure yet one more time.... its hard to get over.  I tried to talk to hubby about it a little today but he doesn't understand.  I know he wants to but he's been slim/normal weight his entire life.  He just doesn't know what its like to be on diets for 1/2 your life.

Some interesting info

Misconceptions about Weight Loss Surgery

I got this from my coordinator.  I like it so I'm posting the parts that I like the most.

Surgery is taking the easy way:   Losing weight and keeping it off requires a lifestyle change. It requires attending regular support groups and educational classes working on lifelong healthy habits and behaviours. It requires a life long commitment and a strong desire to maintain a lifelong goal of reaching a healthy comfortable weight.


You have to be 300-400+ lbs to have weight loss surgery: Many people who qualify are as little as 50lbs overweight.  It does not take much to have high blood pressure, diabetes, IBS or other health issues that are caused by obesity.  As long as you have a BMI over 30 you qualify for WLS. Health risks such as diabetes, sleep apnea, high BP and high cholesterol will be significantly decreased and controlled.


You will have a large scar from surgery: 96% of WLS comes with minimally-invasive surgery or laproscopy.  This normally requires 5-6 small incisions on the abdomen.


It takes a long time to recover after surgery:  Most people recover within 1-2weeks.  Some people go back to work and regular activities within just a few days.


After surgery you will not be able to eat any good food:  Most people can eat all kinds of food after surgery. Most people can east just about anything, just in smaller quantities.  However, a small percentage of people who have had the Roux-En-Y gastric bypass experience an unpleasant sensation (referred to as dumping syndrome) when eating large amounts of sweets and desserts.  The Vertical Sleeve does not have this issue.

Feeling better today. I have a feeling I'll be alternating alot between different emotions as my surgery comes closer. 

Easter will be my last solid meal.  We're having some family come and stay with us for a few days and they leave on Easter Sunday so its perfect timing for me.  We will have dinner on the Saturday and then Sunday I start my liquids only.    The tuesday after Easter, we fly to San Diego and the next day, we're off to Mexico!  I spend one day in the hospital and then move to a hotel.  They have a free recovery house with meals and everything but I wanted my privacy and there was a chance that hubby wouldn't be able to stay there with me if the house is full so I'd rather just go to a nearby hotel instead.  So we're staying at the Hotel Ticuan in the Suite :D

I have the best husband ever.  He's paying 75% of the cost of this from his tax free savings account so I can get this done.  He is excited and happy for me and of course only wants me to be happy.  I'm a lucky girl.

nerves, cold feet, nerves

I go back an forth from fear to calm, from excitement to dread. Sometimes I think, what am I doing? Should I go on just ONE MORE diet? Should I try one last time? Then I realize I've been fighting my body for 15 years. I've done everything right and I simply cannot keep the weight off. I was tested and found out its not my thyroid so I've exhaused every other avenue that I am willing to take. I'm not willing to drink shakes for the rest of my life, or stick myself with needles, or eat only 500 calories... this isn't living as I am now, but neither is that. As I get closer each day to leaving for my surgery, I have mini thoughts of darkness. Should I complete my will? Just in case? Should I tell my family? Just in case? My husband will be with me every single step of the way and I trust him to take care and protect me. But the unknowns happen... today is one of those questioning days for me. I know that this is the right decision and I'll be feeling better tomorrow. But for today, I'm scared.

Surgery date

I have a date.

April 27th. That's my new birthday.

I will be "sleeved" in the Jerusalem Hospital in Tijuana Mexico with Dr Almanza Reyes
I've spent a great deal of time researching not only the procedure itself but also the hospital and the doctor. I'm confident in this choice.

Why did I choose Mexico? Cost and time.

It would be at LEAST a year or more before I *might*be able to get the surgery here.... and if I did it self pay at home, it would be $20,000. That's money we just don't have.

The surgery is nearly a 1/3 of the price in Mexico and I can do it in mere months from making the decision. I of course still have to qualify but with a BMI over 30, I'm in a good category.

About this decision

This is a blog of my own experiences and decisions about this choice. I made this decision for myself and my life.

This surgery will save my life. Obesity WILL kill me. While it kills me physically, I will wilt away from my normal gregarious self while I try to hide behind the person that's in this skin. At this point, I feel I've made the right decision. I've given my life 15 years of obesity and the related issues surrounding it. Some have said to me "why now? Why not wait?"

Wait for what? For my life to end? For my size to increase even more? For my knees to fail, my back to seize up and my asthma to be completely out of control? I'm already pre-diabetic... diabetes is around the corner if this life continues in this body as it is.

This tool I'm giving myself is Ace in my hand while the cards are being dealt out. I can eat mindfully as I have for a long time. I can exercise because I have for a long time. I can lose weight (& keep it off), which I haven't been able to for a long time.

An introduction. A decision.

My name is Cheryl. And I am fat.

I've struggled with my weight through all of my adult life. As a child/teen, I was the envy of my friends and now through all of my adult years, I've done every single weight loss plan imaginable. At my highest, I was 245 lbs.

Like every other person who fights with their self image and self esteem related to their weight, I did every single weight loss fad diet there was. Soup diet, LA Weight Loss, Weight Watchers, Low Cal, Low Carb, NO Carb, South Beach, Atkins, Jenny Craig, High protein, Carbohydrate addicts... and then the exercise. I joined gyms a few times over the years and even lost 60+ pounds at one point with a personal trainer that pushed me so hard I literally couldn't get up off the toilet without screaming in pain. I owe my metabolic resistance also to the millions of "miracle weight loss" pills I've popped. I have contributed to nothing but their bottom line and the size of my ass with all these methods.


Every time though, the weight came back on. I would work so hard, be so "good", lose the weight and then one slip up or a slight slackening in my new lifestyle and a blink later, the weight was back. And then some. At one point, I regained the entire 50 lbs back in 4 months. It was completely devastating. I've gained and lost the same 20-30 lbs a million times. It's been devastating to live this life of dieting, deprivation, humiliation and secret shame.

I'd had enough.

I started researching weight loss surgery. The first place I found offered the Slimband for a mere $16,000. Ha! Who has that kind of money!? We certainly don't. I had been working with my doctor on getting me into a program that offers free bariatric surgery paid by the Health Care system. I didn't qualify for them simply because I wasn't fat ENOUGH. They just wouldn't pay for it. Unfortunately, I had to GAIN weight in order to qualify. Ugh. Well that was easy since all I was doing was exercising 4-5 times a week and eating 1300 calories for months. Why would I expect nothing else other than to gain yet more weight? By the time I was finally accepted in the program, I'd managed to find myself at 35.4 BMI and a weight of 218 lbs.

I started looking into other options since I'd learned that the waiting list was years long for the free surgery.

I found VSG.