Body Image... and Plastics?

Why is it that when I was 100 lbs heavier I actually was LESS self conscious of my body? Is it some kind of body dysmorphia, was I actually more confident or was it all a facade to keep myself in a bubble of denial?

When I was heavier I had no problem prancing around nekkid in the house. I didn't even care if I passed in front of an open window. I felt comfortable in my skin (I thought so anyway) and I felt like a sexy beast.

Now I want to turn the lights off. I feel like I have little grandma boobages (I went from 38E to 34D) and the amount of wrinkly ass extra skin on my tummy makes me want to hide my body. All I can focus on was how badly I want to get plastics and how to best hold my body so I and my hubby can't see the yucky skin.

When I was bigger I remember saying to myself and others... he's is just happy you're naked, he's not judging your body, you are! And now, pot meet kettle. I can't even listen to my own damn advice.

Do any of my dear readers have these body image issues with yo yo dieting? How can you get past them? I get it .. love yourself, that's a no brainer. Is there anything else you can do though??

Weight updates

Today I'm at 133 lbs.  I'm not trying to lose any more weight.  It's still coming off too easily for my liking.  I've added Pro Performance Mass I.V. instead of the lower calorie one (1/2 serving) to get more calories in.  I am striving to get in 1200-1500 calories a day now that I've finally gone back to the gym.  I've been twice now with the new trainer.  I hurt.  lol.

http://www.gnc.com/product/index.jsp?productId=12409762"]http://www.gnc.com/product/index.jsp?productId=12409762   With 980 calories, 60 grams of protein (from 8 different sources!) and only 10 grams of sugar, Mass I.V. gives you more of what you want and less of what you don’t.


I hope it gives me the energy, calories and protein I need to build some muscle and stop losing weight!

More iron lamentations...

As I've mentioned, I'm having a lot of problems with my iron. I honestly do not feel that my sleeve has anything to do with it as I've had issues for a lot of my life with anemia (as a child) and even a platelet transfusion due to an allergic reaction to a drug when I was 6 years old... it basically made me a hemophilic as I couldn't stop bruising. My platelets weren't working. I had a condition called thrombocytopena purpura.

I'm wondering if that condition somehow transformed or something. I'm now waiting on my doc to actually GIVE me my numbers but after a fainting episode due to Low BP and Anemia complication, I have been on Iron injections every week (daily for a week, then weekly since). I've experienced a great deal of fatigue since my surgery and just chalked it up to a little but of laziness and more of not enough calories. Now, it appears I may actually have a medical reason why I'm so very very tired all the time.

After a couple of months of oral iron supplementation with zero results, I had moved to injected iron. Still, no results (as of today). The nurse called and told me that my doc wants another 3 months of iron injections (done weekly of 2ml) and then another re-test to see if there's any changes. I'm scared now. I feel like if they're going to have to transfuse, then just DO IT. I'm moving to another province in 2.5 months and I'd like to not do this from scratch with a new doc....

I don't know what to say. I'm mostly nervous, scared there's something FOREVER wrong with me (because of, or exacerbated by my sleeve) and I don't really know where to turn right now. I've got an appt with my PCP April 11 and I plan to ask for a hemotogist referral at that time.

Any suggestions, feedback, commiseration, thoughts... anything.....

Bleh and Meh

I'm becoming more upset about this iron issue. Just got a call from my doc. No change in my iron levels at all. I've been getting injections for weeks and NOTHING. She wants me to keep doing the weekly injections and re-test in 3 mo and go from there. 3 months from now I'll be in Vancouver and have to go through this all over again with a new doc.

WHY is my body not keeping iron? Even if I ate NOTHING AT ALL, the injections should be making SOME help
Does this mean that I won't be able to maintain my iron for the rest of my life? Will I need another transfusion? I'm scared of this now.

 

*whimper*

*whine* I feel like shite. Went to sleep at 7pm last night. Apparently I was out in seconds because hubby said that someone called for me and even with the phone right beside the bed, I didn't hear it. He woke me up at 11pm to give me more nyquil and I was back in slumber land before long. Throat isn't as bad today as yesterday but the overall feeling like crapola is worse. I can't even focus on stuff. Bad idea to have me working on the stuff I have to do but I can't afford another sick day already. I just had one less than 2 weeks ago because I was crapping myself.

 

Latest pic!

GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!

GOAL baby.... GOAL!!!!

I reached my ultimate goal weight this morning!

135 lbs!
10.5 months since surgery and I'm so much healthier.

The small things I notice... NSV's!

I can see through the space between my thighs standing normally!
My visible collarbones are a permanent fixture.
I can RUN! Even with asthma, I can run and not get light headed or out of breath!
My knees don't click anymore!
My lower back doesn't bother me anymore!
I couldn't care less about the scale these days. I jumped on this morning purely out of curiousity
Hubby can now wrap one arm all the way around my body
I now search for Size Small (sometimes Medium) and/or Sizes 4-6 and not 18/20 or XL/1X
I haven't been on anti-depressants in nearly a year (although I nearly went on them again back in nov/dec, I'm feeling alot better now)
I feel STRONGER. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.
I feel empowered.

I CAN do this and I am so excited for everyone in their own journey to see that regardless of how we get there, we all have the same goal at heart. Our health!

I'm so so so happy

Week 1 down

Today was my final day of my daily injections.  Now I get to go weekly.

I AM feeling better.  Hubby says I look more refreshed and less white and sunken.  I do notice more energy and I'm not as dizzy when I stand.... so maybe its working.
I get my iron tested in a week... see where I'm at and if I need to do this for another 2 months every week.  I hope not!!

Some bariatric notes I want to remember...

I was posting on Gastric Sleeve and realized that this advice that I was giving to someone who is pre-op about this decision is good enough that I need to keep it here.... perhaps I'll add to it as time goes by.


Things to remember - 
- vitamins are SO important post op. More than that, vitamins in liquid or chewable form (bariatric if possible) are best for us post-op and you WILL need to take them for the rest of your life to remain healthy. 
- water is your friend. People say that pre-op but its more important post op as we can become dehydrated easily because we can't get in the volume we were able to once before. No more can you down a whole bottle of gatorade after a good workout.... it's going to take a 1/2 hour (at LEAST) to drink that bottle post op!
- CHEW. CHEW. CHEW. Everything should be chewed to MUSH. 
- Take SMALL bites. If necessary, do like I've done and choose to eat from children's plates and with their cutlery. It helps remind me how small I need to be eating.
- NEVER eat more than 1 cup (if that.. I can still only get 1/2 cup in) in a sitting
- NEVER take longer than 20 minutes to eat your meal.... this goes to how small of a serving you should eat and how long you should be chewing!
- Do not drink within 30 mins of eating... before or after
- Don't drink soda. It's not good for you anyway and takes up liquids where you should be having water. I haven't had soda in a year and I don't even miss it.
- Don't rush your food stages. 
- You're not really HUNGRY (physically)... your head might be but not your stomach. 
- Eat something every few hours to keep your metabolism burning and to get your calories in. 
- Choose protein first. ALWAYS.

I think one of the main things I believe about my journey is this... You only get 1 chance post op to do this right. You've made this MAJOR life changing decision to remove part of your stomach... don't waste it with excuses to yourself.

Turning a corner

Feeling a bit better today.  Haven't pooped myself in a whole 24 hours now.  YAY!  Tummy isn't quite right yet but its getting less touchy.

Iron injection #3 was yesterday in the right buttock.... it hurt.  It still hurts/tender-y this morning.  She must have got me good in the muscle.  Have I mentioned that I HATE needles? 

When I was a kid, I had alot of medical issues and was in the hospital fairly often with pnemonia as a complication of being asthmatic (or is it the other way around...?) and then a blood problem (called thrombocytopenic purpura caused by an allergic reaction to a drug called Ilosone ..look it up I had to!!) that required a platelet transfusion.  So I got alot of pokes.  So many IV's that I have old poke hole scars in my right elbow bend and left top of my hand. 

Consequently, I loathe needles.  When I was a child in the hospital I would choose the NASTY tasting meds any day over the injections of adrenaline they'd give me in my tummy that I'd have to get when my asthma was really bad. I try and be a grown up about it now and just suck it up but my heart rate increases exponentially when I need to get a shot or blood drawn.  I WAS trying to be a contributing member of society by giving blood every few months but it looks like that's been taken away from me now too.  My iron is too low now to donate.  There's not enough left over for me!